Understanding Grief through the TEAR Model: A journey of love, loss, and renewal

Grief is one of the most human experiences we can have - and one of the hardest to put into words. It comes in waves, sometimes soft and reflective, other times heavy and all-consuming. While we often think of grief as something to overcome, it is in fact something we learn to live alongside. It reshapes us, deepens us, and in many ways, teaches us how to love more fully.

The TEAR model of grief provides a compassionate framework for understanding this process. It helps us make sense of what can otherwise feel chaotic and unending - not as a step-by-step formula, but as a way to honour the complexity of loss.

T - To Accept the Reality of the Loss

The first part of healing involves accepting the reality that someone we love is no longer physically here. This doesn’t happen all at once. Acceptance unfolds slowly, often in moments of disbelief, then realisation, and eventually, understanding. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or “moving on”; it means acknowledging that the world has changed, and we must find our place within it again.

E - Experience the Pain of the Loss

Grief brings pain: emotional, physical, and even spiritual. It can be tempting to avoid that pain or fill the silence it leaves behind. But allowing ourselves to feel the sorrow, confusion, anger, and longing is what helps the heart begin to heal. This part of the process is about feeling to heal - permitting ourselves to sit with what hurts, trusting that pain will soften over time.

A - Adjust to a World Without the Lost Person

As time passes, life continues around us. The days go on - even when we’re not ready for them to. Adjusting means learning how to live in a world that now feels unfamiliar. It involves finding new routines, new connections, and new ways of being, while still holding space for the memories of the one we’ve lost.

This stage often brings another layer of mourning - the loss of our own identity as we once knew it. When someone we love dies, we lose not only their presence but also the version of ourselves that existed in relation to them. Part of grieving involves rebuilding who we are, carrying the imprint of their love as we step into this new version of self.

R - Reinvest in the New Reality

Reinvesting doesn’t mean replacing or forgetting; it means choosing to live again. It’s about finding meaning, connection, and hope in new ways. Many people discover that grief becomes a companion rather than a shadow, guiding them towards greater empathy and purpose.

This part of the journey also invites us to create a spiritual relationship with the person who has died - one that continues beyond their physical presence. Through memories, values, or quiet moments of reflection, we can nurture an ongoing connection that keeps their essence alive within us.

Carrying Love Forward

The TEAR model reminds us that grief is not linear, and there is no finish line. We move back and forth between these stages, sometimes all within the same day. What matters most is compassion - for ourselves, for others, and for the process itself.

Healing doesn’t mean letting go of the person we’ve lost. It means finding a way to carry their love forward, allowing it to shape the person we continue to become.

If you’re walking through grief, know that it’s okay to move slowly. It’s okay to need support. And it’s okay to hold both pain and gratitude in the same breath.

You are not alone in this.